Forgiveness as a WISER Practice

While refusal to forgive can lead to disease of the mind and body, offering forgiveness before we are ready can be equally destructive. Sometimes, the person we need to forgive first is ourself.

“ Emotions are signals, neither good nor bad, as long as we learn how to read their messages and gain their wisdom.”

The Healing Power of Forgiveness

When we hold onto feelings of resentment or pain, we are attracting more negative energy to ourselves. Therefore, the process of refusing to forgive only magnifies the intense feelings of unhappiness we experience. In an effort to punish the other person for their wrong doing, we are possibly prolonging our grief and our negative experience. Forgiveness requires faith that all will be well in the end without any evidence of that being the case. However, we cannot immediately offer forgiveness without first allowing ourselves to feel, understand, and process our pain.

Forgiveness also involves setting stronger boundaries, communicating our experience, and never accepting or enduring mistreatment ever again if we can take steps to avoid it in the future. If we forgive too fast, we may be invalidating our pain and emotionally bypassing our chance to work through genuine grief. Grief and forgiveness cannot be rushed, nor should forgiveness be used as a bypass to purge our negative emotions in the hopes of feeling better. Sometimes, the only option to feel better is to wade through the waters of our deepest emotions: fear, anger, grief. These feelings are not wrong or bad, especially when we have endured prolonged pain or trauma. Rather than running from our feelings, or the pain that caused them, it must be faced head on.

Trauma as a Survival Tactic

Our brains are reacting in the way they evolved to protect us from future harm. This makes our feelings valid. Not wrong. But to understand and work through big, or threatening feelings, we must first acknowledge them.

Often in the world of self-growth we are told that it is our reaction to a circumstance that causes our trauma, rather than the traumatic event itself. While that may be true, so few of us are given the necessary skills and tools early on (e.g., boundaries and self-compassion) that would actually protect us from the trauma that external harms trigger in our brains. Our brains are reacting in the way they evolved to protect us from future harm. This makes our feelings valid. Not wrong. But to understand and work through big, or threatening feelings, we must first acknowledge them. Feel them. Validate them. Processing the trauma involves feeling our feelings and learning from them even when our honesty makes others uncomfortable. Emotions are signals, neither good nor bad, as long as we learn how to read their messages and gain their wisdom.

By contrast, compulsory forgiveness is used as a means of emotional bypassing. Don’t give into that temptation to play the martyr and ignore harms or tell others that the pain they caused in your life is okay. It is not okay and acknowledging negative emotions like disappointment, anger and grief can be a positive way to express hard truths and practice self-compassion. Your feelings are not less important than another’s. Neither are you responsible for another’s feelings. You can be hurt, human and strong all at the same time. I don’t have to use my strength to carry other people’s pain, or to take abuse. I will not wear a smile as a mask to hide the pain I have carried. I will only smile when I am authentic and free.

“I don’t have to use my strength to carry other people’s pain, or to take abuse. I will not wear a smile as a mask to hide the pain I have carried. I will only smile when I am authentic and free.”

These words came from a place of rebellion against social pressures that always encouraged me to do the “right thing,” smile, and forgive before I truly understood what I was actually forgiving or why. True forgiveness can only occur as I take the opportunity to process my personal pain, allow myself to feel my feelings, and understand what it is I am actually forgiving. I want women especially to know that anger is a valid emotion and that acknowledging, rather than repressing, negative emotions can be a positive and liberating experience. While our socialization may have taught us to be conciliatory and forgive no matter what (because we should be the "bigger person" and resentment is such a “negative emotion”), forgiving too fast or for the wrong reasons keeps resentment trapped inside where it may result in negative health impacts.

Resentment is actually a natural emotion signaling that we have felt harmed. While refusal to forgive can be toxic, all-consuming, self-destructive, and can lead to disease of the mind and body, offering forgiveness before we are ready can be equally destructive. Healing and forgiveness are a process, something we may need to do in small increments, one day at a time. Forgiveness is also a conscious practice that incorporates new wisdom at the same time it lets go of past harms. After practicing the process of forgiveness for a while, it may genuinely come more quickly. However, healthy forgiveness usually requires insight, effort and time.

“Sometimes the person we need to forgive first is ourself.”

In my own life offering forgiveness too quickly became a self-destructive habit, a way to invalidate my true emotions and my personal experience. Self-sacrificial forgiveness was a conditioned response that discounted my own thoughts, feelings, and emotions. It became a bad habit I have had to “deprogram” and replace with a more informed practice of forgiveness that feels everything, does not deny or rush the healing process, and is not ashamed. Sometimes the person we need to forgive first is ourself.